Grains of sand...

During the process of divorce, I had a few trusted people I could call at any moment, and they would listen to me endlessly as I verbally worked my way through my grief.  But I understood that I would wear people out if I did that too much, so there were many times when I was left with my own thoughts.

While my life was turned upside down, the rest of the world continued on as if nothing had happened. It made me all too aware of how insignificant I am in the global scheme of things.  It was lonely, and I felt isolated, with only the dogs to hear me wailing and weeping and pouring out my heart.  It is humbling to be reminded how truly insignificant your life actually is, and those lonely times put it into stark relief.

The unbreakable bond....

Parenthood is not an easy path.  If you are like me, you stumbled into it without having a clue what you were getting yourself into.  My eldest child was an ongoing learning opportunity, and he probably suffered for it.  But if you do your best, and you have some luck, your kids will probably turn out pretty well, despite your mistakes, and you will feel the usual pride and joy when you see what they make of themselves in their lives.

Mothers and fathers have a different experience of parenthood, and that is usually reflected in the children's attitudes towards each parent.  It isn't that one is better or worse, it is more a matter of needing it all to make a well rounded adult.

Desperate times and desperate measures....

Have you ever felt such separation from a loved one that your heart felt like it was physically breaking?  Has the loss of someone dear to you ever hurt so much you cannot even breathe, much less think or actually function?  Have you felt so desperate to say one more thing, feel one more loving touch, give one more hug to someone you cannot live without that your whole body is in pain?

Paradise found...

The rise of ISIS has brought a new and previously unfelt fear and insecurity to the whole world.  The spread of the hard line Islamists with their harsh Sharia law, which results in horrific punishments for the slightest infractions and which causes people to live in constant fear of their lives is a threat to us all, wherever we are in the world.  We want to shut them out, close them off, keep them away from us, because they are dangerous, and we want to protect what is ours, and our familiar way of life.

Forgiveness...

When my children were young, I had a rule.  If they caused hurt to someone in some way, I would give them a few minutes to think about it, then I would insist they apologize for the wrong.  I went a little further, however, than a simple word uttered without thinking.  That is not enough.  They had to explain to the other person why they were sorry, because that requires genuine thought into the wrong doing, and an acknowledgement of the ways in which they were wrong.

Usually I would give them enough time to come to the point of apology on their own, because it is better when it comes from deep in the heart, and the regret is sincere.  But there were times when I knew it would not come for awhile, and I felt it was better for everyone to move on, regardless of whether they were ready or not.

Letting go...

Some years ago, my son had a fire in his apartment.  After the initial shock, he began assessing what he could keep, and what he would have to give up due to the damage.  It was a difficult process, weeding through his life's accumulation of important belongings.  Throwing away pieces of your past is not easy, and doing it under that kind of pressure is even harder.

But he discovered something along the way.  It was also liberating to let go of some of the things which were no longer of use to him.  As he began discarding things, he realized there was freedom in the winnowing down, and he felt lighter to be carrying less with him.  As he slowly replaced only what he needed, he was much more selective about what he chose.  He no longer wanted stuff just to have it, just in case.  He wanted what was really necessary, and no more.

Writer's block...

They say that everyone has a gift of some kind.  If you spend five minutes on social media, it is apparent how many different kinds of talent there are.  People are so creative, and I admire all the different hobbies and the variety of ways people express themselves.  Quilting, scrapbooking, fishing, gardening, painting, dancing, working on projects - all are wonderful endeavors, and when pursued with passion, produce amazing results to be admired.

Little bits...

As a child, I always thought it would be so fun to be an adult.  I would do anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and there would be no one to answer to or be responsible to or to hold me back.  I could have sugary cereal for breakfast, I wouldn't have to eat liver, and no one would ever tell me to pick up my room again.

Fast forward a few years, and the reality turned out to be a lot different than it looked.  My life is always planned out, I have very little free time, I can't eat sugary cereal any time of the day without getting a headache, and it turns out that middle aged people have a lot of little aches and pains, both physically and mentally, that keep you down.

Life and death....

As I was driving up to the cities over the weekend, I saw a bird pecking at the remains of a deer on the side of the road.  The carcass was nearly clean, mostly skeleton by that point, but the bird was picking off the remaining bits of meat that were still clinging to the bones.  It was, no doubt, a satisfying meal to the bird, part of the natural order of life.  That deer had to die for the bird to live, and I don't imagine the bird gave much thought to what the deer had to give up in order for it to have that meal.

Winter wonderland?

In Minnesota, winter is a brutal fact of life.  If you love winter, you look forward to the first white crystals floating down aimlessly from the sky, turning the landscape into a frosty fairy scape.  If, like me, you could easily live without ever seeing another snowflake, winter is something to be endured, and you hope that this year will be an easy one.

I didn't realize, as a child, that there was another option, that there were places on earth that never saw the temperature drop below 50 degrees.  That would have been my idea of paradise, especially on those bone chilling mornings I found myself in a barn of animals that did not seem to feel the same cold as I did.

Surrounded by a company of angels....

Eleven days after my son was born, we had to do an errand in the cities.  It was a hard trip for me, an hour and half of sitting each way, but it could not be delayed, even though I was still recovering from a rough Cesarean delivery, and not really up to it.  We were broke, had no credit card, and about enough money for gas and a stop at McDonald's for lunch.  This was in the day before ATM's, so we couldn't access our money even if we had any in the account, which we no doubt didn't.  We were young, stupid, and inexperienced new parents who had no idea what we were doing.  What could possibly go wrong?

I packed up the diaper bag.  Two or three diapers should be enough, shouldn't it?  We were only going to be gone five or six hours, after all.  How many diapers could he possibly go through?  I got Adam into his car seat, and off we went, three babes into the woods of stupidity.

When in doubt?

Some years back, I was on vacation with my daughter.  We had a boat tour set up, paid for in advance, and we were very excited about it.  When we arrived, they did not have our reservation showing in their computer, and they would not give us our boarding passes.  I had the printed confirmation number in hand, I could show the paid receipt, but they would not allow me the passes I was entitled to.  The timing was getting tight, the boat was going to leave shortly, and for some reason I still don't understand, the agent in charge had dug in her heels and just simply would not believe the proof in front of her eyes, because her computer said otherwise.

An example to us all....

Humans are judgmental creatures, especially of other humans.  We judge them by their hair style, their clothing choices, piercings, tattoos, skin color, how they carry themselves, whether they meet our eyes or not - we look at someone and make a snap decision about them without even having said a word.  We have no idea of their life situation,  their educational level or interests, their family story or the work they do, how they live their life or what they believe in or whether they volunteer somewhere.  It is all about appearances, which, as we know, can be very deceiving.  Poems, songs, movies and books are written about love at first sight, which is rare, but little is acknowledged about distaste at first sight, which is all too common.

One pair of shoes....

Many years ago, my kids and I went to Disney World for a week.  For reasons I still don't clearly understand, my son chose to bring only the pair of shoes he left home wearing - a pair of cheap flip flops.  I was unaware of his decision until one of the flip flops broke while at the theme park.  I was not amused.

Starting over....

Many years ago, I was part of a very select choir with a renowned director.  It was an honor and a privilege to be a part of this group of incredibly talented musicians, and when we went on a month long tour, the director's final tour, it was the experience of a lifetime.  Because it was his farewell to the many supporters of his long and storied career, it was especially important to bring everything we had each evening to give the most skilled performance we possibly could.  Our performance was a tribute to him, as well as a reflection of his directorship, and we wanted to do his stellar career justice.

The first couple performances were everything that could be hoped for, and we were feeling good about ourselves.  Too good, as it turned out.  Because on night number three, everything fell apart.  The first song was bad, the second song was worse, and by the time we got to the third piece, it was a lost cause.  The whole thing was a complete disaster.

Depression is not a dirty word....

My brother was visiting me many years ago, and we went for a walk in my pretty, pristine neighborhood while we had a very serious conversation about life.  Every house was beautifully painted, the lawns were green and weed free, and everything looked picture perfect as we walked past each home.  Then he said words I have never forgotten.  "It is a very pretty place, but behind each door, there is a struggle, and it is the most important thing in the world to them."  Wow.  What a brilliant way to sum up the experience of being human.

Either or...

I am increasingly disheartened by the polarization of people in this country.  For every single conceivable topic that comes up, you must choose sides.  At every family gathering, it seems you must pick a hill and be willing to die on it over everything that is discussed.  There is no grey area any more.  Everything is in stark contrast, and if you are not with me, you are against me.

These feet are made for walking...

Five years ago, I was preparing to travel to Tanzania to spend a few precious weeks with my kids.  My daughter had spent a semester there, and my son and I were going to join her and travel around, see some highlights, and get a taste of what she was able to experience in her time there.  It was the fruition of a life long dream for me.  I have read about Africa since I was a child, and have been fascinated with the continent ever since.  Although I wasn't really sure what to expect, I was excited and looked forward to the trip with great anticipation.  It did not disappoint, but surprisingly, it was some of the small things that left the biggest impression.

Gone but not forgotten....

My friend, Gina, has been gone from this life more years than I care to remember.  We did not grow up together, and we didn't share daily life in the way that you do with some friends.  Instead, we met as adults, and we became friends through church, and time spent together as women, moms, wives and believers.

A taxing situation....

I hate this time of year.  It is the tail end of winter, cold and gloomy still, and people are generally more crabby than usual.   Even winter lovers are sick of the snow and the mess and the cold, and are looking forward to the warm sun and flowers and trees budding out and the smell of new cut grass.  A lot of people are sick, germs are everywhere, and the local economy tends to be sluggish until farmers get out and start and working their fields again.  As if that weren't enough, we also have tax time looming, a time of year that makes the perkiest of people droop.

I hate tax time.  Our peronal taxes are complicated and tedious, and our prep work consists of millions of receipts that need to be recorded in the right categories, then passed on to the tax preparer, who gets paid a small fortune so we can have the privilege of paying another small fortune to the various government entities that will fritter it away on things we do not support or care about.  (And in our case, the things we support and care about tend to differ, so we can't even agree on what it is we are mad about!)  It is all so frustrating, to work so hard only to see the money evaporate.

Heritage....

One day when I was a student at St. Olaf College, we had a speaker attend chapel.  I can't remember what the occasion was, perhaps Syttende Mai, but the day was devoted to all things Norwegian, and the speaker was there to uphold the heritage. After chapel was over, a girl in the pew ahead of me, whom I did not know, turned to me with glowing eyes and joyful face and said, "Isn't it just wonderful to be Norwegian?  Such a great heritage!"

I paused for a moment, taken aback by her assumption that I was Norwegian (because I went to Olaf? I am not sure,) as well as sort of perplexed by her inordinate pride in the fact that she is.  I could, and probably should, have left it there, but being me, I could not resist saying, "I am not Norwegian.  I am Irish."  I saw the dismay, then the pity, flow across her face.  She clearly did not know how to handle the situation.  Then she blurted out, apparently in all sincerity, "Oh, I am so sorry."  With that, she rushed away, perhaps a little shaken by her interaction with someone who was not "like" her.

The waiting game....

Silence is golden, except when you are waiting for word on something.  Waiting can be painful, exciting, taxing, or, in the worst cases, dreadful, imagining all sorts of wild things and hoping they don't come true.

For most people, we turn to prayer when we want something big.  Then we wait, wondering how God will answer our prayer.  But, if you objectively scrutinize the real motive, we aren't actually waiting to see the answer.  Instead, we are waiting to see if he answers our want by granting us our desire.  Those are two very different things.

Finding Dory....

Being adopted is a little like having amnesia.  You know there is a lot of missing information that you should have, but you don't know what it is, or how important it is, or if it even matters at all.  It could be trivial, it could be life changing, but it's not in your memory bank, and remains tantalizingly out of reach.

Stumbles and paper cuts....

When my son was younger, he stumbled against a folding chair in my mother's dining room and broke his toe.  Shortly after that, just for good measure, he did it again.  He has never fully recovered from that second stumble.  His toe continues to give him trouble more than ten years later.  It isn't a constant problem.  It doesn't impact his life greatly, except when he needs to jump, or push off with that toe.  But it is there, nagging, a reminder of his past mistake.

The Big C...

Cancer.  It is a word that strikes fear into the very core of your being.  It is almost disabling, the first time you hear it applied to you or someone you love.  It takes a known (life,) and turns it into a question mark (how much more of it?)

In my early 30's, I faced that word for the first time.  I had a silly little spot on my back that refused to heal, no matter what I did.  It was teensy, pin head sized, and didn't fit the parameters of cancer at all, so I wasn't concerned about it.  Rather, I was annoyed by it, because it kept bleeding every time I got dressed in the morning, and it was staining my clothing.  For some reason, this spot just would not heal and go away.

Anger....

I am not a person generally given to anger.  I am slow to burn, and it usually takes a lot to set me alight with rage.  Ironically, the people I am closest to are the ones who usually bear the brunt of my wrath, with my children having been the targets the most frequently over the years.

The funny thing is, I don't go over the top on the big stuff.  It is small stuff that usually sends me over the cliff into crazy mad land.  One such memorable incident has become the stuff of family lore, told over and over again, usually at my expense.  (Which is probably fair, since my behavior was probably the low light in the episode.)

Father's Day...

Losing my father as a child was a defining piece of my life puzzle.  Ever after, even to this day, my life is divided between when we had dad, and when he was gone.  It is a permanent schism through my childhood that changed me, as a person, and how I see the world.  The bedrock of my life, my parent, was suddenly gone, and the whole foundation of my existence was shaken.  It is not a benign thing to lose a parent so young.  And it certainly shook my faith in the world as a benevolent place.

The nice phrases people say in those situations, such as, "He is in a better place now," were meaningless to a child who simply wanted her dad, like all the other kids.  He may well have been in a better place, but his absence left me in a much worse place, and when you are a child, that is really all that matters to you.

Rain, rain, go away....

My family taking a vacation is always sort of a gamble.  I am pretty sure all it would take to end the drought in the Sahara Desert would be for us to plan a vacation there, especially one that is mostly intended to be outdoors.  Severe weather follows us like a shadow, always dogging our best laid plans.

For example, my daughter and I went to Hawaii some years ago for spring break.  We got the airline tickets months in advance.  We booked the hotel, and paid up front to get the cheapest possible rate.  It was not the swanky resort on the island, but we weren't going to be spending much time there, anyway, so it didn't matter that it was all I could afford.  We would only be there at night, because we were going to make the most of our time on the island, possibly the only time I would ever go because of the cost.  We certainly didn't care about accommodations.  It was all about the sun and fun.

Lock, stock and barrel....

Moving is always hard.  The physical labor of packing up every single thing you own, every pin, every pen, every piece of paper, and putting it into a container to shift it, to throw it, or somehow or another dispose of it, is tedious and time consuming.  But you cannot make the change without going through that work.  In order to move forward, you must comb through the past and decide what to keep or discard.

Flat tires...

Shortly after my marriage fell apart, my daughter and I were rushing to get to dance troupe practice after school, a daily mission that required the precision of a military operation.  We had a short space of time, she would change in the car, and I usually brought a snack so she would have something to eat on the way, just so she wouldn't be late.  It was stressful on both of us, and tempers would occasionally flare as we drove as fast as we could to get the half hour drive accomplished on time.

One day, everything went wrong.  I was late picking her up, it was pouring rain, I hadn't brought the clothing she wanted, I didn't have her snack so we had to stop and get something, and then it happened.

Ker-thunk.  Ker-thunk.  Ker-thunk.

Moments matter....

One year ago, my beloved dog was dying.  He was no longer eating, he had lost his interest in life, my other dog was obviously detaching from him, and he was rapidly losing his ability to function.  Even walking up or down the stairs was beyond him, and I had to carry him out to the lawn to do his business.  He was in end stage renal failure, and despite my hardest efforts, I couldn't hide from the signs any longer.  It was clearly just a matter of days before he would be gone.  I made the very difficult decision to end his life, because it was obvious he was no longer enjoying his life, he appeared to be in some pain, and his eyes told me he knew it was his time and he was ready.

Liar, liar, pants on fire....

Recently, I saw an item posted on social media which I knew to be a falsehood.  I do not normally respond to these "fake news" items, primarily because it is impossible to convince someone who wants to believe them that they are wrong, especially when the item in question validates their confirmed opinion.

But this particular item really bothered me, because it had to do with "proof" of an event in the Bible.  I felt compelled to respond as a thoughtful believer, because I firmly believe disinformation is deadly to faith, and God abhors that which leads people astray.

Job loss but life gain...

Six months ago, I started my day like every other day.  I had no expectations of anything big happening.  I anticipated working and going home like every other work day, one of hundreds over the last four years.

But it was not any other day, after all.  Like so many people, I lost my job that day due to a change in direction of the small business where I was employed.  And, although I probably should have seen it coming, I didn't, so it was a punch in the gut to hear the words that ultimately meant I would have to make a big change in my life.

Envy...

Everyone has felt the sting of envy.  Even watching animals, especially dogs, you will see them envying each other's food, toys, or attention.  It is natural to see what we want and wish it were ours.  Sometimes we even feel hatred towards those whom we perceive to be more favored.

But I have learned that things are rarely as they seem.  All too often, those whom I have envied have had struggles I knew nothing about, and what seemed such a blessing was even a curse.

Unrepentant....

I have been a sarcastic person all of my life.  I don't doubt that among my earliest words were some cutting remarks at the expense of another person.  It comes all too naturally to me, and I frequently throw out sarcastic commentary without giving it a second thought.

I would like to say that as an adult, I have outgrown this particular trait, but alas, that is not the case.  As recently as earlier this week, I snapped out another off-the-cuff, sarcastic remark, and in public, no less.  Even though the only person who heard me was my mother, who, as usual, was less than impressed with my sarcastic acumen, I still did eventually regret the remark (although, if I am being really honest, here, it took longer than it should have,) because it was beneath me, and certainly not what God would want from me.

Strengthening...

In Philippians 4:13 we read, 

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I think this is one of the most important verses in the Bible, because it contains the promise that God will give us the power to get through anything life throws at us.  ALL things.  Wow.  That is a big commitment.