Unrepentant....

I have been a sarcastic person all of my life.  I don't doubt that among my earliest words were some cutting remarks at the expense of another person.  It comes all too naturally to me, and I frequently throw out sarcastic commentary without giving it a second thought.

I would like to say that as an adult, I have outgrown this particular trait, but alas, that is not the case.  As recently as earlier this week, I snapped out another off-the-cuff, sarcastic remark, and in public, no less.  Even though the only person who heard me was my mother, who, as usual, was less than impressed with my sarcastic acumen, I still did eventually regret the remark (although, if I am being really honest, here, it took longer than it should have,) because it was beneath me, and certainly not what God would want from me.

My ability to hone in on the weakness of others and exploit that with words is not really my best quality, although sometimes people find my remarks humorous, which just adds fuel to my fire.  In truth, it can be a rather large flaw, fanned by the flames of my own dark mind and sense of humor.

The flaw is magnified when I have caused hurt without knowing, which is generally the case.  I thoughtlessly say something, or just go too far, and even if unintentional, the wound is inflicted, but I am unaware.  Ignorance is not bliss, because you cannot make right what you don't realize is a problem.  I cannot be remorseful when I don't know I have gone astray.

The biggest problem, though, is when I refuse to acknowledge that I am in the wrong, and don't feel bad about what I have said.  When I have made an intentionally cruel remark, and failed to remember that the soul is fragile and more important than my temporary win, those are the moments when I have ultimately been harmed by my own unrepentance.  I have lost relationships, and deeply wounded those I love, through my willful disregard for their feelings.  It is not something to be proud of.

But I have also had the opportunity to learn that when you sincerely repent, when you truly understand where you went wrong, you can receive grace.  I have been forgiven, over and over, by my family and friends when I have hurt them with my words.  I have seen grace in action as people have given me yet another chance to do better with their hearts.  What a gift, to be shown undeserved mercy.

Repentance does not require us to be a doormat.  We should stand up for what we believe in, we should have integrity of our convictions, and we should have enough self-confidence to know when we are right.  But it is possible to be right and to do right, to temper our words so as to construct rather than destruct.  Repentance is about feeling, deeply, the regret of knowing you picked the wrong direction.  And mercy is what you receive when your repentance is accepted.

Ash Wednesday is a day to recognize that those who have been lost in sin can be covered in grace through repentance.  So today, Ash Wednesday, I am grateful for the flaw of unrepentant sarcasm.  It has allowed me to understand grace, and given me the incentive to be gracious to others.