Being adopted is a little like having amnesia. You know there is a lot of missing information that you should have, but you don't know what it is, or how important it is, or if it even matters at all. It could be trivial, it could be life changing, but it's not in your memory bank, and remains tantalizingly out of reach.
Open adoption is becoming the norm now, so children (and biological parents) today have a lot more information after the papers are signed and the child is placed into their forever family. But back in the early 1960's, when I was adopted, there was very little information at all. It wasn't considered important or necessary. The only thing that mattered was that parents and child found each other and made a family, and that was the end of the story.
Except that it wasn't the end. Because there are questions with no answers, about everything from where I got my brown hair and blue eyes to whether I inherited my musical ability from anyone to the biggest question of all - why was I given up?
Unanswered questions can be difficult. For a lot of adopted kids, those big questions are both abstract and material. Speaking for myself, I spent a lot of years wondering about not only the answer to the specific question of why, but also the more global consideration of whether I was worth keeping in the first place. That is a big question to have hanging over your head, especially when there is no real answer forthcoming, because you are cut off from the only person who seems to have the answer.
Just to clarify here, this has nothing to do with my adoptive parents. They were and are the perfect parents for me, and I know they were the parents God intended for me. But, like every adopted person, I still have the questions that have no answers.
Every adopted person has their own way of dealing with the questions they have. I think, for most of us, we deal with those questions differently at various times in our lives, as well, which makes it even more complicated. And I suspect that we all have different questions, so there are no universal answers, either. Humans are inconsistent, especially in matters of the heart and soul.
When I was younger, I worried that my biological mother would come and try to take me away from my mom. It wasn't a constant thing, probably not even every day, but it was always there, in the back of my mind. I even went so far as to formulate a complicated plan to run away and get back home, and how I would hide so no one could ever take me away again. It seems silly to me now - it was a solid, legal adoption, so no one was going to take me anywhere - but the fear of the unknown is always greater than anything that might really happen, and I suffered from it. Ironically, the day I turned 18, which is sort of an emancipation day for most kids, was the first day of my life that I felt entirely secure that no one could ever take me away from the family I love. Silly, perhaps, especially since I was already in college at the time. But it was very real to me, and I still remember the feeling of relief in knowing, for certain, that I was forever home.
Fear. Uncertainty. Questions. They undermine the security of your inner self. A lot of people live with uncertainty, about health, family, job or something entirely personal. They feel alone, as if there is no one with the answers to help them sort out their problems and find their way.
Like Dory in Finding Nemo, we chase around erratically, seeking answers when we barely remember the question, creating complicated strategies that don't fit the reality, completely oblivious to the greater plan already mapped out for us. But like my adoption, God has vision beyond our comprehension. He knows the answer before we even understand the question, and he provides the perfect solution.
The older I get, the less interested I am in the answers my biological mother could give me. My worth is not found in her reasons for what she did 56 years ago, but in my life as I live it each and every day.
Today, I am grateful to my bio mom for giving me to the parents who could give me the life I was meant to have, and who taught me to walk in the way God intended for me. I have made my peace with my unknowns, and I am trusting that God will provide the answers in his time, if they are ever needed.
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