Grains of sand...

During the process of divorce, I had a few trusted people I could call at any moment, and they would listen to me endlessly as I verbally worked my way through my grief.  But I understood that I would wear people out if I did that too much, so there were many times when I was left with my own thoughts.

While my life was turned upside down, the rest of the world continued on as if nothing had happened. It made me all too aware of how insignificant I am in the global scheme of things.  It was lonely, and I felt isolated, with only the dogs to hear me wailing and weeping and pouring out my heart.  It is humbling to be reminded how truly insignificant your life actually is, and those lonely times put it into stark relief.

I kept my prayer journal through that difficult period, and continued to uplift both my own family and our troubles, as well as others in need.  Focusing on the difficulties of others was a healthy way to take my mind off my own problems, a positive thing at any time, but especially in times of severe stress.

But there was something more happening, although I didn't realize it immediately.  As I looked back months later, I saw how my prayers were quietly answered.  Over time, I came to realize that I was never truly alone.  God was there with me through it all, listening and guiding and answering every call, and if only my eyes, and my heart, had been truly open and receptive to him, I would have realized it a lot sooner.  While I was seeking him, he was seeking me, and he was by my side.

In John 19:28 we read:

"Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, 'I am thirsty.'"

It is sort of an enigmatic statement, this raw expression of human need.  Why was it worthy of repeating in oral history until it was written down?  It was a simple utterance, a throw away couple of words.  And yet, here it is, among the most significant words Jesus ever uttered.

I think there is more to the story.  I think the thirst is not just physical, but also emotional and soulful.  I think Jesus was thirsting for God, and this was an expression of his greatest desire.  And in calling out for God, he was looking for God's response to him.

God wants us, as we want him.  It is a two way street, and neither side is complete without the other.  There is nothing that can separate us from God's love and attention, and he is always with us, whether we know it or not.  That is the lesson I take forward from the words Jesus uttered from the cross.  God is always present for us, and we are always searching for him.  Just as he knows every grain of sand on the beach, he knows each and every one of us, and he craves being in relationship with us.

Today, I am grateful for the difficult periods in my life, when I had the opportunity to learn about God's constant faithful presence in my life.  Without those times, I would not understand the depth of that relationship with the one who will never leave me.