When my children were young, I had a rule. If they caused hurt to someone in some way, I would give them a few minutes to think about it, then I would insist they apologize for the wrong. I went a little further, however, than a simple word uttered without thinking. That is not enough. They had to explain to the other person why they were sorry, because that requires genuine thought into the wrong doing, and an acknowledgement of the ways in which they were wrong.
Usually I would give them enough time to come to the point of apology on their own, because it is better when it comes from deep in the heart, and the regret is sincere. But there were times when I knew it would not come for awhile, and I felt it was better for everyone to move on, regardless of whether they were ready or not.
At those times, I would make them apologize, even though they weren't really sorry in the moment. My son, in particular, hated the insincerity of the false apology, and took me to task on more than one occasion about the insincerity of it all. He thought it was worthless to pretend an apology if he didn't mean it, because that rendered it meaningless to him.
I always explained that eventually he would realize he was wrong, and he would feel bad and be sorry. But by then, the moment would have passed and the other person would have moved on, and bringing it up again would not be fruitful. The wound would be deeper, the hurt would be more established, and tearing off the scab would be counterproductive. Instead, he was apologizing forward, knowing that at some time it would be meant. He was taking care of it in advance, so everyone could move on.
If the conflict was between my children, I went further. Once the apology was offered, it had to be accepted, whether it appeared sincere or not, because at some point, it would be meant. Neither one of them was happy with that, but I insisted, and because I was the mom and in control, they had to go along with it. They didn't realize, as I did, that ultimately, there was a deeper issue at play than simple words uttered, regardless of intent.
As they got older, I was able to explain to them that the apology issued and the forgiveness extended was not just about the other person. They were offering apology and forgiveness for their own well being, to heal their own heart and soul, replacing anger with grace, not just for the other person, but for their own weakness.
Holding on to hurt and anger is corrosive. It eats away at the mind and the heart, leaving us without ability to heal the wound. As it festers and grows, we become increasingly estranged from the object of our anger, and in very short order, the breach becomes too large to cross. It was that breach I was trying to prevent in the forced apologies and the unhappy forgiveness. I wanted them to learn that sometimes you give ground, not because you are wrong, but because it is better for your own soul to do so regardless of right and wrong.
We have all been wronged at some point in our lives. We have all felt the sting of unjustified hurt inflicted upon us. We have all been the target of someone's unfair actions or words, and it wounds us deeply. The damage inflicted can last a long time, even to succeeding generations, if the infraction is serious enough. It can be very hard to let go of the heartbreak, even after the original sin is forgotten, because we become entrenched in our anger, stuck in the rut of hatred, especially when no apology is offered. It is difficult to forgive someone who doesn't recognize the hurt they have caused, or worse yet, doesn't care that they have caused it.
From the cross, Jesus offered forgiveness for the actions being taken against him. The people who condemned him, the soldiers who dragged him to the cross and nailed his hands and feet to the wood, the criminals hanging beside him, those who wished him dead, all lacked the understanding of their wrong doing. Yet he offered the grace of forgiveness, even though they were not ready to accept it.
What were they so afraid of? What was the unforgivable sin he had committed? Why was a simple carpenter's son such a threat that he had to be put to death alongside common criminals?
In a society that was run on strict tradition, Jesus changed everything. He turned the old rules upside down, threatened those in control, and changed the way people interacted with God. He made God real, present, temporal. It was frightening, alienating, fearsome. Life was not that simple, and change is hard. It was easier to cast out the agent of change than to embrace the new life he was offering.
Humans tend to stick to the familiar and fear change. Jesus was the antithesis of everything they learned from their earliest moments of life. Instead of staying in one place, he traveled everywhere. Instead of shunning people of other faiths, he embraced them and welcomed them. Instead of sticking with the old and familiar, he tore up the rule book and introduced a simpler creed of love and faith. It was too much for them to accept. It was easier to reject the change he offered than to take the risk and open their hearts.
Jesus knew they did not understand what they were rejecting. Jesus understood the fear of the unknown that was leading them away from the message of hope that he was bringing. Jesus was willing to forgive and open his very life to those who rejected him, because he knew they did not even understand what they were dismissing.
From the cross, Jesus called out, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34 NIV
Jesus offered forgiveness to those who wronged him, even though their apology was not just insincere, but non-existent. He forgave them, and us, before we even knew were sinfully in the wrong. In a world filled with hate, his message of love was all encompassing, even to the point of death.
Today, I am grateful for the example Jesus set of forgiveness in a world of uncertainty and hurt. While change is ever present, and being caught in the wrong is always a possibility, the gospel of Grace which Jesus brought to us is always available.
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