Sonshine...

On a warm August night 30 years ago, I went into labor with my first child.  At 24, I had no idea what to expect.  I had no close friends that were parents.  I had little experience with babies.  I had been married barely a year, and having a baby was not in the original plan, so this was an unexpected development which I was still coming to grips with.  In short, I was afraid I wasn't up to the job, and I was scared.

But from the first moment I held my son in my arms, my world changed.  It was no longer about me, it was about him.  I remember looking at his perfect little face with wisps of dark, curly hair peeping out from under the newborn cap on his head and feeling this overwhelming rush of love, more powerful than anything I had ever felt before.  At that moment, there was no one else in the world besides him and me, and I was going to get this right.

I told him I would be the best mom I could possibly be for him - I would feed him and educate him and love him and hold him and he would never hear a harsh or angry word, because our relationship would be perfect.  (Hormones are powerful and I was obviously delusional at that point.)  I was resolved to build on what my own parents had gotten right and correct any mistakes, so I could do this parenting thing perfectly.

From the moment he was born, my son became my Sonshine, my reason to be.  He got me going every day, meeting his needs was my focus, and everything else receded in importance because he was my top priority.  I gazed at him as he slept, (much less than I had been told, which was my first clue he had not read the baby manual and this was not going to be as easy as I thought,) and marveled at this human being I had created inside my own body.  What a miracle he was, and is.

I think God must look at each of us in the same way, marveling at his handiwork, seeing a miracle in each one of us.  I think he dreamed of everything going exactly right, because he felt such a powerful, overwhelming love that he wanted us to have a perfect life.  Just as our hearts ache over our children's mistakes, I imagine our willful, sinful behavior must be a heartache and burden to him.  His desire to get us back on track so we can fulfill his ideal vision for us must be frustrated as we humans continue to get it wrong.

Today, I am grateful for my son.  He made me a much better person as his life changed mine completely.  He gave me a vision for the future that I would never have had without him.  My desire for him to have a perfect life has never changed, and his hurts continue to break my heart in a way that my own pain never could.  I think that through my son, I have seen a glimpse of my God and Creator, and I have a deeper understanding of his love for me.  I am a fortunate mom to have my son shining in my life.