Grains of sand...

During the process of divorce, I had a few trusted people I could call at any moment, and they would listen to me endlessly as I verbally worked my way through my grief.  But I understood that I would wear people out if I did that too much, so there were many times when I was left with my own thoughts.

While my life was turned upside down, the rest of the world continued on as if nothing had happened. It made me all too aware of how insignificant I am in the global scheme of things.  It was lonely, and I felt isolated, with only the dogs to hear me wailing and weeping and pouring out my heart.  It is humbling to be reminded how truly insignificant your life actually is, and those lonely times put it into stark relief.

The unbreakable bond....

Parenthood is not an easy path.  If you are like me, you stumbled into it without having a clue what you were getting yourself into.  My eldest child was an ongoing learning opportunity, and he probably suffered for it.  But if you do your best, and you have some luck, your kids will probably turn out pretty well, despite your mistakes, and you will feel the usual pride and joy when you see what they make of themselves in their lives.

Mothers and fathers have a different experience of parenthood, and that is usually reflected in the children's attitudes towards each parent.  It isn't that one is better or worse, it is more a matter of needing it all to make a well rounded adult.

Desperate times and desperate measures....

Have you ever felt such separation from a loved one that your heart felt like it was physically breaking?  Has the loss of someone dear to you ever hurt so much you cannot even breathe, much less think or actually function?  Have you felt so desperate to say one more thing, feel one more loving touch, give one more hug to someone you cannot live without that your whole body is in pain?

Paradise found...

The rise of ISIS has brought a new and previously unfelt fear and insecurity to the whole world.  The spread of the hard line Islamists with their harsh Sharia law, which results in horrific punishments for the slightest infractions and which causes people to live in constant fear of their lives is a threat to us all, wherever we are in the world.  We want to shut them out, close them off, keep them away from us, because they are dangerous, and we want to protect what is ours, and our familiar way of life.

Forgiveness...

When my children were young, I had a rule.  If they caused hurt to someone in some way, I would give them a few minutes to think about it, then I would insist they apologize for the wrong.  I went a little further, however, than a simple word uttered without thinking.  That is not enough.  They had to explain to the other person why they were sorry, because that requires genuine thought into the wrong doing, and an acknowledgement of the ways in which they were wrong.

Usually I would give them enough time to come to the point of apology on their own, because it is better when it comes from deep in the heart, and the regret is sincere.  But there were times when I knew it would not come for awhile, and I felt it was better for everyone to move on, regardless of whether they were ready or not.

Letting go...

Some years ago, my son had a fire in his apartment.  After the initial shock, he began assessing what he could keep, and what he would have to give up due to the damage.  It was a difficult process, weeding through his life's accumulation of important belongings.  Throwing away pieces of your past is not easy, and doing it under that kind of pressure is even harder.

But he discovered something along the way.  It was also liberating to let go of some of the things which were no longer of use to him.  As he began discarding things, he realized there was freedom in the winnowing down, and he felt lighter to be carrying less with him.  As he slowly replaced only what he needed, he was much more selective about what he chose.  He no longer wanted stuff just to have it, just in case.  He wanted what was really necessary, and no more.

Writer's block...

They say that everyone has a gift of some kind.  If you spend five minutes on social media, it is apparent how many different kinds of talent there are.  People are so creative, and I admire all the different hobbies and the variety of ways people express themselves.  Quilting, scrapbooking, fishing, gardening, painting, dancing, working on projects - all are wonderful endeavors, and when pursued with passion, produce amazing results to be admired.

Little bits...

As a child, I always thought it would be so fun to be an adult.  I would do anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and there would be no one to answer to or be responsible to or to hold me back.  I could have sugary cereal for breakfast, I wouldn't have to eat liver, and no one would ever tell me to pick up my room again.

Fast forward a few years, and the reality turned out to be a lot different than it looked.  My life is always planned out, I have very little free time, I can't eat sugary cereal any time of the day without getting a headache, and it turns out that middle aged people have a lot of little aches and pains, both physically and mentally, that keep you down.

Life and death....

As I was driving up to the cities over the weekend, I saw a bird pecking at the remains of a deer on the side of the road.  The carcass was nearly clean, mostly skeleton by that point, but the bird was picking off the remaining bits of meat that were still clinging to the bones.  It was, no doubt, a satisfying meal to the bird, part of the natural order of life.  That deer had to die for the bird to live, and I don't imagine the bird gave much thought to what the deer had to give up in order for it to have that meal.

Winter wonderland?

In Minnesota, winter is a brutal fact of life.  If you love winter, you look forward to the first white crystals floating down aimlessly from the sky, turning the landscape into a frosty fairy scape.  If, like me, you could easily live without ever seeing another snowflake, winter is something to be endured, and you hope that this year will be an easy one.

I didn't realize, as a child, that there was another option, that there were places on earth that never saw the temperature drop below 50 degrees.  That would have been my idea of paradise, especially on those bone chilling mornings I found myself in a barn of animals that did not seem to feel the same cold as I did.

Surrounded by a company of angels....

Eleven days after my son was born, we had to do an errand in the cities.  It was a hard trip for me, an hour and half of sitting each way, but it could not be delayed, even though I was still recovering from a rough Cesarean delivery, and not really up to it.  We were broke, had no credit card, and about enough money for gas and a stop at McDonald's for lunch.  This was in the day before ATM's, so we couldn't access our money even if we had any in the account, which we no doubt didn't.  We were young, stupid, and inexperienced new parents who had no idea what we were doing.  What could possibly go wrong?

I packed up the diaper bag.  Two or three diapers should be enough, shouldn't it?  We were only going to be gone five or six hours, after all.  How many diapers could he possibly go through?  I got Adam into his car seat, and off we went, three babes into the woods of stupidity.