I thought I was fully prepared for my first child. I thought I had everything in hand. I was wrong. From the moment he was handed to me, I was engulfed in a fog of love from which I don't think I have ever emerged.
I am not blind to fault, even in the case of my beloved children. But I have realized you cannot be entirely objective about your own child, either. You want others to see their best qualities, and you are chagrined when people don't view them in the same shining light. You try to encourage them to be their best, even when they are determined to prove you wrong. Growing up is hard work, and none of us are perfect at the process.
But the first child is the experiment, the one who refines the parenting process. You don't know what is coming until you experience it, because it reads differently in books than it does in reality. It is, in many cases, the blind leading the blind, and I'm not sure who was in front at times.
I have always been more contemplative of my own life on the day before each child's birthday, because the change incurred to my life was as dramatic, in some ways, as to theirs. They were unaware, but so was I. The adventure ahead was unknown to us both, and the outcome just as uncertain.
Would I be a good enough mom? Would I have what it takes? Where would I get the patience, the wisdom, the understanding, the common sense, to guide this dependent child in the right way? It was all so overwhelming.
I thought in terms of days and weeks, not years, back then. I couldn't imagine 18 years on the job. No one explained to me that this is a lifetime responsibility, and that I would never be released from it. Young parents fantasize about the day they will once again be free to do as they please, unaware that you will never again, in your own head, be just me. You are eternally, forever more, we. But its okay, because you wouldn't trade it for anything.
Tomorrow my son turns 33. I have been his mom for much longer than I was not a mom, and I can't imagine my life any other way. He is so much more than I could ever have imagined. It has been such a fun journey, watching him grow into the adult he has become. But in my head, I still have the instant replay of all the special moments where he is still my little boy, holding my hand, throwing his arms around my neck, and letting me know I was his whole world.
I didn't plan to be a parent. I thought my place in the world would be different, more unconventional. And then, in an instant, my world changed, my place at the table of life was set, and my portion served up in the form of a little whirlwind with dark curly hair and beautiful brown eyes and a little brain that whirred every minute of the day challenging my thoughts and my ideas and my life as I knew it. Spending time with him gives me hope that the future is as promising as the past. He makes the world a better place because he is in it. There is nothing more you can ask for as a parent.
Lamentations 3:24 says:
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I hope in him."God has been ever present in my parenting life, and I have constantly placed my hope and trust in him. I have occasionally wandered off the path, but God gave me everything I needed to be the parent he wanted me to be.
Happy birthday, Sonshine. You are loved beyond measure.
