Like so many other people have expressed over the last couple of days, I too remember my very first Kate Spade purse. It was a purchase made on a whim, ironically, in a very low time of my life when I was battling the same depression that ultimately ended Kate's life. I was walking through a department store when this purse (I have always been a sucker for a cute bag) caught my eye. It was whimsical, fun, light and eye catching - everything I thought I wasn't - and I bought it on impulse.
That purse marks a critical personal moment for me, one where everything in my life shifted in a heartbeat, and that purse was the siren call of change. Every single time I carry that purse, to this day, I remember the feelings I had as I bought that purse and started to carry it.
I loved Kate's purses in those early days because they were a lot like me - practical, relatable, easy to use, uncomplicated and slightly off beat. She paid attention to important details, like the little metal feet on the bottom of the purse so if you set it down in a bathroom stall, the purse didn't really touch the floor. Not fancy, but it mattered. The size was just right, and exactly fit everything I needed. The colors were vibrant and fun, and the styling was impeccable. Kate's purses were everything I wanted to be myself, all in a stylish bag I was proud to carry.
Here's the thing - by looking at a Kate purse, I felt like I was looking at Kate. And she looked a lot like me. I felt like she was someone I would meet at my neighbor's house over a cup of coffee, and we could talk and be friends. I felt like she was someone I could understand, and who could understand me. She designed for people like me, because she was designing what she would want for herself, and it showed. I didn't know her, but I felt like I knew who she was, and it gave me courage to be who I was, because if it was good enough for her, then it was good enough for me. And to BE me.
I am sad, today, to know that Kate struggled with depression and anxiety. I am sad for anyone who knows, up close and personal, the feelings of despair and hopelessness that accompany those mental conditions. But I have always been open about the struggle, because I never felt any concern about a stigma that may be associated with them.
I am doubly sad for Kate that she never felt she could share her struggle, for fear of damaging her brand. I have no doubt that was a real fear - I think most famous people do worry about that, because they have to. Just watching the paps stalking her family as they struggle to come to terms with the shock is enough to remind me what a gilded cage celebrities inhabit, and the limited confines in which they live.
How isolated she must have felt, in the midst of the opulence. How afraid that the walls were tumbling down out of control, and there was no way out of the pain. Covering her wounds, especially in front of her daughter, must have driven her to the brink, until she simply could not do it another minute. All I can say is, if you have never felt that despair, you cannot judge, because you simply do not understand.
And I am so sad for her family, as well. It is not easy to live with mental illness, either for the sufferer, or their family and friends. They are difficult to manage - you never have any idea what is under the external facade. I am not surprised they didn't see it coming, and they should not feel guilty, although I imagine they do. She showed what she wanted people to see, and you cannot see what is behind the wall of a person's mind.
Kate, I wish you could have seen the light I finally saw. I wish you could have emerged from that dark place into the brightness of a life without a cloud hanging overhead. I hope that through your loss, the subject of anxiety and depression will once again be exposed in the glare of the day and a few more people will come to grips with their own inner wounds.
And, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping to awaken within me the desire to live in the light. You are not just a designer I never met and never knew. You were an inspiration to live another day, and I am grateful. Rest in peace, Kate. You will never be forgotten by those who loved you, whether they knew you or not.
